How to Get Hitler to Speak on Your Campus

A dog and pony show (Extra)legal Guide to the Freedom of Speech in College

Aug 29, 2024

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Table of Contents
§I. Preface
§II. Intro
§III. The First Amendment
        A. Contours of Free Speech
        B. History of Campus Speech
        C. The Prevailing Rule of Law
§IV. Opining on Tactics
§V. A Changing Landscape

DISCLAIMER: Bear in mind [AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!] that NOTHING HEREIN IS LEGAL ADVICE. THIS IS A WORK OF PURE SATIRE. Do not act on the basis of any information you find in this work. If you believe your rights have been violated and/or that you may have a legal cause of action, please seek legal representation from a licensed attorney in good standing in your state. No communications with ringleader constitute legal advice, nor create an attorney-client relationship. This content is strictly for entertainment and educational purposes only.

§1. Preface: LITERALLY HITLER!!!

So you’ve done it. You’ve reanimated the moustache man after finding his nondescript grave marked only “Herr Rudolf” at the foothills of Patagonia overlooking the bluest water you’ve ever seen. The bastard’s been dead for almost 60 years, but you just had to do something big—the single issue Free Speech student group you formed at the end of Freshman year really needs to make a name for itself on campus—all of your flyers are getting pasted over with “from the river to the sea” on Mondays and Wednesdays, “Am Yisrael Chai” on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and everything gets ripped down over the weekend jubilation.

The whole campus is embroiled in a war of words, but the weapons of choice aren’t the calculated strike of pen and paper in honorable duel, but the indiscriminate bombing of the thick-tip sharpie and shout-down in a program of total war. Your appeals to civilized conversation get met with shouts of “GENOCIDAL COLONIZER WHITE SCUM FRAMEWORK OF OPPRESSION” in one ear and “GENOCIDAL RACE COMMIE TERRORIST ENABLER” in the other. Who would have thought that this was the ‘politics of civility’ your anti-Trump professors pined for?

This old corpse is your ticket to getting through the din of hate and bloodlust. Maybe even get enough notoriety to snowball into some minimal-strings-attached “grant money” to put on a real debate series on campus—Ah, who are we kidding? You won’t be getting a dime spared from funding both the missiles and their targets.

Nevertheless, Rudolf is ready for the limelight, and he’s been getting really pumped up on the “Auslander Raus” 90s drum n’ bass remixes and whole cans of Zyn citrus. He’s also absolutely enamored with Tucker Carlson and Joe Rogan. Cannot get enough of the UFO and alien episodes. Guy just has a wry smile and a weird glint in his eyes the whole time he’s watching ‘em. And you haven’t even busted out the Adderall yet. . . .

The Dems kind of made this whole necromancy dead man walking thing look ridiculous with Biden, so you’re downright nonplussed at the prospect that this might actually work. You kind of just wanted a funny excuse to visit Argentina on a trip with the boys— a frame story, y’know?—that random greentext screenshot purporting to translate a page from an old book their grandpa brought back from the war that had a gilded Sonnenrad and “𝔇𝔦𝔢 𝔚𝔢𝔦ß𝔢 𝔐𝔞𝔤𝔦𝔢” in Fraktur typeface on its cover was just some funny meme magic. And now here you are, chaperoning a 135 year old reanimated corpse with a mustache and shoulder length hair, both completely grey and white, bearing more of a resemblance to a grizzled Santa Klaus than the sensitive young artist of his former life.

Of course, all sides of campus will freak out immediately at the prospect of “literally Hitler” coming and gassing everyone in the football stadium. All the while, however, the only topic actually on the agenda is a civil discussion on how to end the war and bring about a peaceful solution in Judea.

Just as you help the stiff old boy off the plane back in the States—after having to pry your steam deck from his cold dead hands 4 hours deep into a Hearts of Iron IV campaign where he’s just about to nuke Britain while playing as India (“You’ll be able to start right where you left off, Herr Rudolf!”)—and head to the dorms, you see SHTF on X and FB:

“Literally Hitler COMING TO STATE UNIVERSITY!!!???”

Next thing you know, your group is toast, bubba.

The Board’s revoked your status, your faculty advisor has stepped down, your event’s campus venue reservation has been unilaterally cancelled, and they’re already putting you on the blacklists.

Now that you are persona non grata are you going to make those sweet boomer bucks and launch your e-celeb stint by fighting THE (she)MAN? Or, are you going to tuck tail, say “terribly sorry to waste your time Herr Rudolf, entschuldigung,” and cry about being threatened by campus ANTIFA?

You may feel like you’re up shit creek. It’s because you are.

But your friendly neighborhood court jester, ringleader is here to lend a helping hand.

§II. Intro: Welcome to ringleader’s (Extra)legal Guide to the Freedom of Speech in College!

This is the start of an exciting new chapter for dog and pony show: our very first (Extra)legal How-to Guide!!

In this series, your friendly neighborhood court jester, ringleader, will be providing a treasure trove of educational knowledge on various contours of the American legal system that you, YES YOU, my dear reader, may run into as a dissident, wrong-thinker, or otherwise maladjusted and malcontent citizen of the freest nation on Earth!

The featured topic of this post is navigating the freedom of speech in higher education. But don’t touch that dial if you’re not currently in the public education system in one way or another because this guide will still have a wealth of insight into the freedom of speech generally, all presented in dog and pony show’s characteristic mirthful manner which you have come to know and love.

In the future, we’ll be covering the gamut of controversial areas of law—self-defense, property law, defamation, religious liberty, parental rights, and much, much more—so rest assured that there will be plenty of future (Extra)legal How-to Guides with invaluable educational information that you will not want to miss.

DISCLAIMER: Bear in mind [AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!] that NOTHING HEREIN IS LEGAL ADVICE. THIS IS A WORK OF PURE SATIRE. Do not act on the basis of any information you find in this work. If you believe your rights have been violated and/or that you may have a legal cause of action, please seek a licensed attorney in good standing in your state. No communications with ringleader constitute legal advice, nor create an attorney-client relationship. This content is strictly for entertainment and educational purposes only. No communications with ringleader constitute legal advice, nor create an attorney-client relationship. This content is strictly for entertainment and educational purposes only.

Because I will be writing these (Extra)legal How-to Guides at a great sacrifice to myself (by willfully engaging in study of the American legal system, i.e., self-harm), these pieces will be exclusive to dog and pony show members for a modest price of simply $5/month ($50/year).

Subscribe today if you’d like to learn more about the law hanging over all our heads with a laugh rather than a headache.

§III. The First Amendment: First Things First

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